The End

It's not anything like they say. Heartbreak. It's not about craving for that person. Not about wanting to be with them. No. It's all about pain. The kind of gut churning, stomach wrenching pain that'll claw at your insides until you want to curl into a tight ball and die. Nothing makes it better. Not, being with someone else. Not, being with that person. Nothing.

Every moment, a memory will surface. Something he said. Something he likes. Something that didn't fit. Something that suddenly fit. And then you think of him with someone else. It hits you. Everything that was between you was a lie, a dirty little secret. Realising that you were not even the real thing, that your heart was just collateral damage.

So, all you do is sit and watch while it's being torn apart. Scrap by Scrap. It's killing. But you already know that's what you want; for it to die. Forever. And, with it, the pain. Now, there's nothing there. Just a gaping black hole.

As the haze of the pain lifts, a catharsis dawns on you. It is finally over.

Here and There

It was mad, the wedding. For most of it, I was like WTF, you know? Because, by the time my plane landed and I got to the hotel, things were already under way; for all my careful planning, I appear in a T-shirt and cargos in all the wedding pictures! And when I finally wore the pretty blue and golden dress and then the plum coloured sari? Nothing. It got too chaotic and none of us had any time for snaps. Don't even get me started on the designated photographer; he was such an asshole.

But I'll tell you this. For all the craziness that the wedding was, there was this one moment, the actual tying of the knot (when the guy dropped a soft kiss on her bent head) -- it was so beautiful, I went all "Awwww". There it was, the whole point of the goddamned circus. Made me all warm and cushy inside.

Apart from that, it was a terrible ordeal. I now officially hate flying. Usually, every time I see a plane in the sky, I want to be on it, going to whereever it's heading. But on this trip, both times, I was all like, c'mon...land already! One way, I sat next to a Gora who I'm pretty sure molested me while I fell sleep in my seat. On the way back, I sat next to a techie, who has facebooked me and now sends me messages everyday. Do yourselves a favour, don't be a moron like me and use your boarding pass as a book mark. It's plain stupid. In fact, don't read. Plug in your ear phones and don't make conversation, yes, even while you eat!

Why do I attract these types anyway? Why? OMG, he might even be reading this as I write. As has been often proven in the past, the blog is certainly not one of my best kept secrets. If you are indeed reading this, dear stalker, please chip in here. I would love to hear your thoughts on this. But I don't accept any compliments, comments, questions, tags that reach me in person or by e-mail. The comments column, believe it or not, works. The zero comments record is because I also attracts other types of perverts, in this case - voyeurs. But don't let that discourage you. Comment on.

I know I should give in and sleep. Okay! Fine, I'll go. Just wanted to put it all on record before the week was out. I do also have an early morning class, come to think of it. So, just the last couple of things here then.

I'm doing my dissertation on the Holocaust. Yeah, don't ask me how I got there. I had it all planned, I swear. So, I went to submit my proposal on Michael Jackson and somehow ended up with Nuclear Armageddon. What can I say? My plans usually take little detours because I'm ummm, what they call spontaneous, and I always go with my instincts. Whichever takes control of me at the moment. Even if I go blue in the face cursing and regretting it for the rest of my life after.

I read Shantaram a couple of weeks ago and I can't stop thinking about it. Everybody I know has read about half of it and given up. I can't explain why I am so hooked onto it. Oh yes, I do want to write like that. But it's more. I've been looking up the author every chance I get. I read his interviews. I watch his videos on You Tube. And, I've developed an unhealthy interest in heroin. But most importantly, here's the thought that's been nagging away at me - how would it be to throw away everything I've built in my life and just let go.

Why do I want, more than anything else, to find out?

What I say and What I mean

Right. So, where were we? Going home. Right. If I didn't write about it already no point doing it now, is there? Let's just move on and skip that part then? Yes. Move into something more topical, maybe? Good. Let us.

Now, examining the newsworthy events of my non-existent life, what do we have?

Something happened and a dilemma has arisen. To commit or not to commit, that is the question. A very illuminating statement, don't you think? I do too. But for reasons many, that's all I'm saying on this. Shameful to censor on one's own blog, I know. But what to do? Too many prying eyes for comfort or for full disclosure. A cue to move the blog to another track? Hmmm. Perhaps.

As consolation, here's another piece of meat. I hate what I've become here. I'm a compulsive liar now. I lie all the time. To everybody.

Prof: How was the class?

Me (thinks): I didn't listen to a single word of it. That's btw, is a record. I thought X-rated thoughts for four hours. But I still smelt the stink. That's how stinky your class was.

Me: Very thought-provoking. Thanks for the lecture. Was immensely helpful.

Y: Did I do something wrong? Don't you like me any more?

Me (thinks): Yes, you did. You exist. No, I don't. Newsflash: I never did. To be specific, I think you're the algae the feeds on the pond scum that lies underneath the sewage in our acrid lotus pond.

Me: Of course, you didn't. I like you. What made you ever think otherwise?

Z: Hey listen, there's this thing for some close friends this Friday. You wanna go dancing? It'll be fun. I promise.

Me (thinks): Looking the way I am and looking the way you do, you are asking me out? Close friends huh? Wow! Dancing? But why?! We were doing so well until now. Can we sit in a corner and make out instead?

Me: I'd love to have but I already made plans. Sorry.

Z: It's cool. No issues. We can do coffee or catch a movie or something, some other day? If you are not already seeing someone, that is. (Smiles)

Me(thinks): Oh, don't smile. That's not fair. What toothpaste do you use? Wait. He asked you a question. Movie. Right. Dark Lights. Limited space. Sharing armrest. Nachos & Salsa. You got it, dude! Any day. You choose.

Me: Err. No. Not seeing anyone. And really, I'd love to hang out. But I'm truly short of time this trip. Maybe next time?

Z: A gentle let-down, huh? (Smile) Okay, I'll let you get away with it this time. But at least gimme a call when you're in town, okay?

Me (thinks): No, don't let me get away with it. At all. I'm one-of-a-kind! That's why, I won't call.

Me: Sure, I will.

Z: Ciao. (Grins)

Me (thinks): I hate that word. Grrrr.

Me: See ya. (Smiles back)

See what I mean. I don't mean anything I say. I mean, I don't say anything I mean. Baah. You get the point! It's like I'm possessed by a good-Samaritan ghost who needs to only say the right things. Whatever happened to the WYSWYG me? Gaaaah.

And, don't ask me why I won't call him. I just won't.

Oh and how can I forget? Cousin's wedding tomorrow! Yeah, the shameless pig that I am, I'm going to be leaving for her city on her wedding day. But hey, I'm wearing a sari for her! Wait. that means jewellery. Damn. Match-making and relatives. Oh F***.

>>Gulp<<

I mean. Help.

Note: Remember. Peace comes from within. Oh my! Shoes. I mean heels. I don't have any. Never mind, they'll come from somewhere. But grace and elegance and poise? Good God. Whoever thought of celebrating weddings. What's so happy about them anyway?

PS: Mission Impossible IV: Finding a way to the Airport without paying as much as I did for the flight ticket. Good luck to me.

You Know

Read My Friend Sancho.

There. I said it.

I couldn't wait until I got through with three paragraphs of my lifely woes before I came to it. It's my book. I mean, if I ever wrote a book, this is how it'd be. I'd pretend to have a plot -- because it's a novel -- but care really only showing off my wisecracks, get bored half-way through and finally give up the pretence and give it an excuse of an ending. But hey, it's still brilliant writing, his. Almost like mine, you know.

By the way, I have a love life that's almost bursting at it's seams, did you know? Yeah, me either. But well, I do. I'm always on the phone with the first or the second boyfriend. When I get off, I'm online with number three. Or otherwise, I'm with the fourth who I go out with every other night. And, I have something on with someone in class. What can I say? "Not guilty, your honour. It is not what it seems. We're just friends?" I think not.

Exploring the food scene in Chennai has been the theme for the last couple of weeks. Now, I know places that are nice to sit at and places that have good food. Discoveries include a decent Dhaba, a cozy continental place overlooking the beach, a restaurant that serves "contemporary Indian cuisine" and a stall that sells Irani Samosas. Can you imagine the implications of these discoveries? Of course, you don't. It means that maybe, I will survive this rot after all!

Brain food for the week? I've been chancing upon all kinds of things I never knew about people I've known a long time. It's made me wonder about if we ever really know anybody. Not just know. But know. You know.

And then there's this whole thing about live-in's in My Friend Sancho and Wake up Sid and stuff that I've been thinking. I have a theory -- I'm sure it's named after some bugger already -- that everything else being equal, if a man and a woman (Doubt: Is it even politically correct anymore to say a man and a woman without including LGBTs?) are confined to a space and are given enough time; irrespective of how different they might be, will end up together in the end. Not much of a theory. But nevertheless, kinda works...doesn't it?

It's official. No matter how many ever courses I take, it's wasted. I was never, am not, will never be likely to be feminist. Blame it on my all-girls education or the guys in my life, I like my men. That's the bottom-line. It's another matter altogether if I still don't find a guy at 35, start growing plants instead of adopting cats, and turn lesbian. Maybe then, I might turn feminist. But of course, with the current state of my love life, that's never going to happen.

Like all roads lead to Rome, all my posts lead to going home. I'm off to mongooses' tomorrow and to Hyde for the weekend. See you guys on the other side.

To all, a kickass Diwali! Play safe.

Respite.

Dude, seriously, home is it!

I've been here two days and I'm so in love that I can't see anything straight. If you asked me now, I'd probably swear by my life that even the rain here is sweeter than that in Chennai. But since half of our state is currently being submerged, I should probably keep my mouth shut, yeah? I think so too. Anyway, but you get my drift, right?

After that crazy Auroville week when we were ready to die of exhaustion and the one following that when we thought we did die, we somehow floated through to heaven and came home. I needed this.

The first day back, I went out like a light the moment my head touched the pillow. My own bed - the smell, the feel, the warmth, oh what I'll do to take it back with me. Okay, okay, no need for bad words. It's not like I would have gone on to describe the comforts of my bathroom. Though I have to point out, I'm sorely tempted to do. No hair, anywhere. Hot water, everywhere. And no clothes to wash? It's a fairytale. Stop rolling your eyes! This is important stuff. If you want to read national affairs, go read another blog. Sheesh. A girl can't even write about the beauty of her bed in her own blog these days. Double Sheesh!

Where was I? Right, so when I did finally reincarnate, I went out to meet Amen. It's weird but we never hug or say anything. That's how it always is with Amen. No matter how many new friends I make, it's almost always her shoulder that I cry on whenever I'm cross with the world or hateful towards 'man'kind. Not that I actually cry cry. It takes a lot to get me to cry and it's been ages since I've done that. Well, except that one time recently when I wept until I looked like a splotchy rabbit the next day. You should ask the other party why.

For godsakes, what's with me today? At this rate, I'm never going to end this post. Right. Focus!

So, what I was trying to say earlier was that Amen and I watched Dil Bole Hadippa. Now, now. Don't judge me yet. It was the only movie that we got tickets for and let me tell you that it was an okay watch. Really. True, there's no such thing as a plot in the film but there were decent performances rendered all around. Talking of movies, I did watch quite a few- The Kingdom of Heaven (5.50/5) , Requiem for a dream (4/5), Outsourced (3.99/5), Bangkok Dangerous (2/5) and my Mom's new boyfriend (2/5).

You'll never guess who I've been hanging out with. Yes, my bete noire, my arch enemy, my nemesis, my personal monster, my brother, Demon kid! It was then that I really realised how pathetic my life must be for him to be nice to me. But he was and we did some great things.

We went to all my favourite places and I ate as if I was dying the next day. Then we went to Big Flix and rented out a box full of movies that I won't have the time to watch. And then we went shopping. He got me the Last Symbol and hold your breath, he's consented for me to play his X-box! Boy, if this is charity, I'm loving it.

Though I have in mind to bore you further, alas, I have nothing more to say. I leave tomorrow. *Weepy eyes and wobbly chin*. I still have to shop some more, get a haircut, meet some people, eat some more, pack, and just now, go to sleep. If the train does get cancelled, I'll have to get the first flight out on Monday. (Dear God, please give one more day. I won't ask for anything more. Except electricity and internet. And good airfares. And good food. And a good haircut. Promise!)

Next term at J is going to be long and mad. Electives, assignments, stream work, insomnia, projects, paper, quark, chennai. GAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Still Sleepless!

I promised myself that I wouldn't do this, but here I am, at 3 'o clock in the morning, foregoing yet another night of sleep (5th in a row) to write an entry for an audience that can't be more indifferent. I'm pathetic. Oh, who am I kidding? It's those two baby lizards crawling my walls and my floors. I can't sleep knowing they exist. And, I'm too embarrassed to admit it to anyone or to ask for help. What am I to do?! The mosquitoes, I can still live with. But I HATE the reptile family. All of it. Will they die, like rats, if I cunningly mix their food with something? No, I suppose not. Evil things those. **Shudder**

Anyway, on with my life then.

Academically, there has been intense activity in the past weeks. The good news is that I've finished with an ultra serious exam this morning thereby ending the core curriculum for the term. Now, I lift my arms and pray, to be only a C+ or higher, I pray. Completion of pending projects will form the crux of my next week. And then, and then, the end-of-term holidays (which is okay, really only 3 days) and I leave for home! So, I'm already making lists of all the things I need to do/buy/eat when I get home.

But what's really keeping me happy, now that I have a super internet connection, is all the things I'm back to doing -- writing e-mails to old friends, playing pool & literati with random strangers, lengthy chat sessions with He-man, et cetera. I didn't realise how much I missed doing these things until I got back to doing them. It's inexplicable. I love the anticipation that comes with waiting for the inbox to open and then to see a certain someone's e-mail in it. Or to spend a lazy sunday afternoon competing for a pool or literati championship. And then, my chat sessions with He-man. I still spend hours laughing and crying while pouring over our past chats. Oh, I know, it's silly. But I simply can't help it. If you haven't noticed, nothing affects me quite like the written word.

That said, I've been a good little girl. For 23 days to this date, to be exact. Like it or not, right or wrong, it will end this time around. Erasing everything helps. Thanks wikihow.com

Okay, so sleep has finally come to claim me. Enough to even overcome the lizard aversion. So, I'm going to tuck in now. Going off to Auroville for the weekend.

May I find some peace and quiet. And reptileless dreams. Amen.


PS: Facebook says my favorite sexual position is so and so. I can't believe it. Really? That?! Strange. Very strange!

High on Insomnia!

Okay, so the Naz Foundation thing that I talked about so enthusiastically last time? Not fun. We have a paper on it that's due for submission tomorrow and I can't get myself to even look at it anymore. All I seem to do now-a-days is read about LGBT rights. If I am not, then I'm talking about it. Or, well... I'm thinking about it. This is between washing clothes and pressing them, you understand.

Addition to Addiction List - Ironing. I love it. Seriously. There is something about smoothing every single crease in my clothes that resonates with my OCDs. Besides, I just really like the warmth of freshly laundered clothes.

No, I'm not yet there. I will be in a few. Get me gummy bears when you come to visit me. I heard all asylums allow soft toys because they enjoy seeing inmates fight over them. Don't forget.

Baah, anyway, the good news is that each week is flowing into the next. Sometimes, I'm not too sure what I'm doing when I'm doing it but I'm being utterly mature and just going with the flow. Made friends with a decent bunch. So we hang out in the 'campus' ( they keep insisting, for some absurd reason, that we call it that). It's just two buildings really, facing each other, with a solitary tree in between, and an unhygenic water body (which again, for some absurd reason, they want us to call a lotus pond) to a corner. Sometimes, we venture into the city ( which also again, for some absurd reason, they call a metro) and eat food (yawn, which they insist we call 'south-indian cuisine'). The three delicacies, which I've found exclusive to Chennai - The 'Pau Baji', The 'Madras Briyani' and 'The Gobi Manjuria'. I can't really suggest a place because each joint makes a version unique to itself, so I suggest you try all that you have the courage for.

Since, there is no hope of ever seeing what I would call a real man in this part of the world, I've resorted to watching movies like Twilight. Now, I want a vegetarian vampire of my own too. But I would prefer it if he wasn't some two hundred shades fairer than me.

You will notice that I'm flitting from thought to thought as it appears in my head. Besides the fact that I have an early morning lecture about reporting from Gaza and that I have had no sleep in the past week, I'm doing this because of the lightening fast internet connection I've got. By lightening fast, I mean that it appears for a flash and is gone the next. So I'm hurrying it a little bit. I realise I would have saved a lot of word count/time/effort if I had spared you the explanation but I just had to tell you, you know.

Okay, okay, the real reason? Its 09/09/09 and I sorta wanted to post today. Even if I had nothing to say. Which I did not. The grammar lady says I shouldn't use too many negatives. But, I can't not not write that in negative. See?

Oh, oh, oh. But I'm not done yet. Two things more only, I promise. Our CM popped! Can't say I mourned. But I did write a nice headline for him in Editing class. But seriously, I'll die if his son comes to power. All of us will.

I can't believe I left this for the last. Well, you know how I wrote this post about things-to-do in the next year, some four years ago? Now, I can cross three off the list. I have a passport. I have my drivers license and I got the folks to finalise on buying a house. So, if you want to be really technical, I didn't. And it's a really really old house. But it's nice and cozy, I'm told. And that, for a family of zamindari descent, which didn't believe in owning property. Damn neat, huh?

Lastly, King Kong left for his Hong Kong home today. Every friend of mine, without exception, leaves the country and stays outside. I really should stop this J school nonsense and open a visa business, no?

Sounds of Silence

It was raining that night. I could hear the thunder, frightening in its intensity. As usual, the electricity had conked off with the first hint of lightening. I was alone in the house; thoughts raged through my head.

I stumbled through the dark towards the phone by the window. Even in my inebriated state, I knew her number as well as my own. The past six months hadn't affected my memory. With every digit that I dialled, I felt my heart pound. Would she answer; would she not?

The wait seemed forever. Then, I heard her voice. But I could not muster the courage to speak. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I wondered why she didn't hang up. Did she recognize me, even in my silence? She always did before. All the things left unsaid screamed to be let out. But only silence flowed through the telephone wire. It had always been like this between us, each waiting for the other to make the first move.

The rain drops pattered and the thunder crashed. It was just me and her, and the sounds of silence between us.

This was a little something that a bunch of us wrote in grammar class. It was of course, impromptu. Each of us took turns making a sentence; just taking off from where the other had left. With every line the story changed. Until the very end, no one knew where it was going.

Well, what do you think?

Whatever you think, I absolutely dig it and I'm going to do more of this kind.

Madras Madness

I spent a whole afternoon today learning to use the comma. That way, I gotta admit -- I have some great classes here. Some. We are currently doing the 377 case, you know, the Naz Foundation v/s Union of India one. The lawyer guy who came to speak to us about it is awesome. He started by telling us a story about the origin of love according to Greek mythology and tied it up all neatly to homosexuality! The wimpy female in me totally fell for it. It was by far, the coolest lecture I've ever been in. It'll take way too long to write about it here, but if you know me well enough, ask me about it. Men and women being two halves of a whole and all that comes from here. So go figure.

I just realised that I haven't talked too much about my life here, have I? Let's rectify that.

It seems like I've taken to it pretty well. Why else would I find some guy sleeping in my room and not even be fazed by it. He had slept in my bed the previous night, I heard, and yet I still feel nothing. I've been living without drinking water for the past two weeks so I now drink cheap packaged water. I walk into people making-out in the common room and I sit next to them and watch T.V. After a month here, nothing surprises me anymore. Pretty cool, huh?

Chennai is cruel. I haven't changed my mind about that. I have a list of all the things I hate about the place; I'll put it up the moment it touches 100, which I'm sure it will in the next week or so. Okay, so I'm exaggerating a little. But its true, I do have a hate list and I will put it up whenever I update next.

Aside: A certain someone I met in a supermarket. Decidedly cute and funny. Definitely not from Chennai. A design student, I learned. What are the odds we'll run into each other again, you reckon?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

_________________________________________________________________________________

***My reply to a special letter to the author***.


Dear grauchy,

>>Dear X,

I got mad about you first time I seeing you. I remembering every thing of you. But I don't think you will remembering me. You didn't even answering to my hellos and byes. I thinking you got shy.

>> I'm sorry because of me, you went mad, dear X. I did forgetting you, sorry again. You are right, shy must have been coming on me which is why I didn't hiing, byeing you. Thousand sorries for that also.

I finding out this two months before and again I loving your writing also. Youre so intelligent and so funny. Its your beautifulness that I liking very very much. Youre no like no other girls. Till now I staying inside closet but I come out now.

>> Great to know people like you like my writing. A pity I made you come out of the closet. Please go back inside. And thank you for liking me; I didn't know I had so much beautifulness.

You writing again and again of your boysfriends this blue shirt and that rr, I making you forgetting them forever. I giving you everything.

>> Thanks for offering to erase my memory for me, dear X. Neither this Blue Shirt nor that RR has ever wanting to do anything like this for me.

I am loving you now. You loving me also. If you saying no I still loving you but I leaving you but you writing here why. If you saying yes give your phone so I calling you. After I marrying you.

>> I'm flattered like anything that you chose me, dear X. It being very hard for me but I cannot loving or marrying you. I loving my boysfriends. So, I can't giving you my phone. You leaving me now.

See, now I byeing you.

Yours Lovingly
XXX

>>Goodbye,
Grouchy

Goofy is gone.

Goofy is gone. I left him with friends when I went home this weekend. I should have known. I should have coached them better. I should have taken him with me. I should have done something. Instead, I left him – alone and helpless. That is how well I take care of something I love. No one should ever entrust me with something of their own – they’ll never see it again.

I keep coming to the room hoping to see him - his stupid dolphin act once more. To see him push away his food just like I do mine. To tell mum and dad what he was upto that day. But of course, I don’t. He’s gone. There’s an empty place on the floor beneath the window where we put him. I avoid looking there now.

He was just a stupid little fish, I know. A stupid and moody and crazy and God, so adorable one at that. I didn’t even like fish. But I loved this one, you know. For those ten days, because of him, I was less alone.

I already know this is going to stay with me for a long while yet. I’m not getting a pet again. I don’t deserve to. I'm sorry Goofball. 


More than you'll ever know. 

Goofy is Here...!

It is done. Adulthood has arrived.

As predicted, I was quite morose for most of yesterday despite all the wishes that came the way. But towards the evening after talking to Jughead and Ha and King Kong and Eye Candy, suddenly everything felt better. You know how it is with friends. The warm fuzzy feeling, that. If I were the mushy type, I'd have thanked all of them for being there and told them that they are some of my most favorite people on Earth. But since, I'm not. I did not.

So anyway, I finally stopped wallowing, got off my ass and went to dinner with a couple of friends. We hit this cosy little place called 'Clay Oven' and I had my first respectable meal since moving to Chennai. The girls came back to the room and we yapped away into the night. It was like being back with the gang. Almost, but not quite.

Aha! I see I forgot to mention the big highlight of my day – Goofy!!! That’s my gold fish, in case you’re wondering. Can you believe it? I have a pet. Aghori got him for me. It’s certainly one of the best birthday gifts I ever got. I always hate that no one knows what to get me for my birthday. But she did. She’s whacko crazy. Then again, so am I. Maybe that’s why we gel so well.

Enough talk, time you saw him. Ta-da!

Well? What'dya think? I think he's great. Initially, I freaked a little bit. But now that I've had some time to get used to the idea, I love him. He's funny and moody and just perfect.
It was a happy ending and that's all I could ever have asked for.

Wordle

Washing clothes. Sucky food. Sweat. Hair in the bathroom. Cold showers. Sweat. Sweet bread. Green curtains. Waking early. Stupid lingo. Sleep in class. Shooting on the roads. Writing. Assignments. Flunking. News. Roomies. Local trains. Assoholic Autos. Salty Water. Homesickness. Dirty odors. Cotton Clothes. Relapse. Mad people. Madder Professors. Wasted money. Wheel of Time. Regrets. Withdrawal symptoms. Dirty Roads. Four hour classes. Men in hostel. Deserted streets. Brown skin.

That's my life for you, as it is.

Having been the goose that I have been, I promised myself that I wouldn't crib. Especially, not after having said all those things about "doing what is close to my heart" and all that rubbish.

So, I'll just say two things

One: I'll never admit it otherwise but here it is - I miss these guys like mad. All of them. Hawkeye. Eye Candy. King Kong. Ha. Tiny Woman. Gobbler. Mommy Depp. Amen. Jughead. Cud. Psycho. RR. Even all the people I can't think of just now. Is this homesickness or have I just turned into a wimp?

Two: Help! Somebody. Anybody. Just get me the hell outta here. Please?!

PS : I was on an INS - FAC today. Honest to God! A Fast Attack Craft of the Indian Navy, just in case you weren't impressed. It was the coolest thing ever. Remind me to talk about it the next time**.

**If I am still alive and kicking, I will tell you all. I promise.

R.I.P

A not-so-known fact about me. I’m a terrible, I mean, hopeless, and by that I mean a really really pathetic softie. I kid you not. I’m a genuine sucker for lost causes. It has something, or a lot, to do with the female in me, I suppose. But I can’t turn my back on an underdog, ever. Take tennis. I have to side with the losing side irrespective of who is playing. Even if it means siding against someone like Roddick. That’s saying something, isn’t it? For the uninitiated, I say even Roddick because well, he has been the greatest crush of my life, till recently of course, when he decided to go marry Brooklyn the Bimbo.

On second thought, maybe, it has nothing to do with lost causes at all. Because why then would I, for the past two hours, kept my fingers (on both hands and toes) crossed until I saw Roddick into the Semis? Maybe, it has everything to do with being a Leo. Leos are known for their undying loyalty towards those they love. And I am your proverbial Leo. It’s hard for me not to tire of people or things. Because I do, easily. But if I don’t and I start liking something, I can’t stop.

Like I fell for MJ when I first heard Black or White back in my sixth grade. I remember playing the tape over and over for the song until I memorized every lyric, note and nuance of it. So many favourites followed and so much has changed since then. But to this day, no matter who says what, I still adore him. As much as ever, if not more. People who think it good riddance don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. When I heard the news, I wept unabashedly for him. He was an extraordinary person and one of the greatest artistes the world has ever seen and I won’t let anyone tell me differently. Rest in Peace, my friend. I love you.

I know it’s crazy to defend dubious characters. Or to empty my wallet to hungry kids. Or to worry about world affairs. Or to wish for happy endings. In fact, it might be just about the stupidest way to go about life. But, it’s mine to live and this is the way I choose to live it.

Twenty Days to Go

Amidst a raging recession, it's said that the smart thing for people to be doing is to bury their heads in work and forget the rest. Everyone seems to be listening. But me? No, siree! Not me. I decide to jump off the other end. That's right. I put in my papers. Quit. Gave up my comfy, well paying, easy and effortless job. For what? You ask. To finally do what I want. That's what.



I'm going to the best J school in the country to learn how to write. It's nothing short of borderline suicide. Trust me, I know. I will die trying to cope with the workload; if I haven't already drowned in my sweat and died by then, that is. Considering that its Chennai, I'd actually bet on it. But the point is that I'm still willing.



I might drop out of the course midway. I might top the class and end up a penniless journalist. I might learn that writing is not really my cuppa tea. Or I might just do alright. Every which way, it's an acceptable risk. It's time I found out how good I really am.



All the idealistic bullshit aside, leaving home is going to be *gulp* tough. I already know all the things I'll miss about Hyd. That is not counting work, Amen, home and metered autos amongst them. Because, then I will weep. And, O' my Buddha! The apple of my eye. The cherry on my cake. The love of my life. How do I leave thee? How?

*Sniff*

But yes, yes, I know. The show must go on.

And, go on, it will.

Week after Week

I remember, from last week, that evening in Mocha. Sitting by the courtyard in twilight, listening to the rhythm of the rain. In an alcove with beautifully lit lamps, the sweet taste of hookah, silence interspersed with rain and the occasional dialogue. Eye Candy, Kong Kong, Ha and I. Click. Our very own Kodak moment, that.

Last week in itself was awesome, by the way. I went out every single night and came back home at some odd hour of the morning, having had the time of my life. Despite us being as severely sleep deprived as were (plus hurting, in my case) we still managed to have kick ass fun before Ha left and that made it all worth it.

This week, in stark contrast, has been dreadful. Work has been about appraisals, which I've thoroughly come to detest/loathe/hate/abhor/despise, call it what you want. Sigh. I know. I should be overjoyed just to have a job and all that. Right. Yeah. Okay. Whatever. That's how I feel and fat load of good knowing all that is doing to my spirit.

In fact, for some freaky reason I seem to have, what can only be called, a pit of dread in my stomach these days that has me thinking all sorts of morbid thoughts. Seriously! Its gnawing away at me so hard, I can barely keep it in check. Did anyone ever die of paranoia, I wonder? No? Well, there can always be a first, I suppose.

Talking of dying, the trip to Chennai was as close to hell as I ever got. I have no doubt that I'd die if I was ever made to live in that place. As it is, in the three days I was there, I wilted and shriveled and melted and dried and then died. Like really. The people there must be of a different make to live like that. Anyhow, I'm back home and earlier than I'd have dared hoped at that. Safe, sound and none the worse for wear.
Next week promises to bring some relief. But then again, the Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills, yeah?

That said, time for my closing statements. Headlines from the good news desk -- Another cousin kneels at the matrimonial altar. Is betrothed to the love of her life. Cud and I talk. Was just like old times. Best of all - Blue Shirt and I. At last, we're cool.
PS: Watched Kite Runner on the flight. It's decent. The Egyptian - Khalid Abdullah, is more than that... he's gorgeous.