Friday, February 8

A midwinter night's dream

I remember distinctly, this epiphanic moment in time when I went to Durgam Cheruvu ( the supposed secret lake) with a friend, on a serene winter night and talked about everything and nothing. We sat for a long time on a low wall with our feet dangling in the air, him facing the lake and me an office building, each remarking on the beauty of the sight that we were witnessing. His remark made sense. Mine didn't. I was looking at an ordinary high rise corporate building and was finding it as appealing as the splendid lake itself. I fumbled for an explanation, except I couldn't manage one. I was after all, supposed to be the big nature buff. So, I promptly changed the subject and let it go.

That is until I came back home and tucked in. I began running the scene in my head over and over until I understood it. I looked at those guys coming out of the building, chatting and laughing, enjoying a late night tea break and I had wanted to be a part of them. I saw a solitary figure working in one of the top floors who would occasionally glance out of a cozy dim lit cabin and I had wanted it to be mine. Simply, I wanted to be there, doing that, being them. It was as innocent as that. My utopian fantasy of the corporate world.

Now that I have an opportunity to be that, I don't know if I want it anymore. Between then and now, I've seen way too many people graduate from college with brilliant placement offers, big brand names and high pay packets only to find them, a couple of years later, burnt out and creatively dead. Sure, they are doing well for themselves and a few even like what they've become. But most are doing what they are because it is too hard to stop and start anew. More importantly because, its too hard to say no to the big name n the big bucks and go chasing after the big dream.

I don't blame them. Not everyone has a dream or the guts to go after it.Take for instance, me. I don't have either. However, what I do have is the knowledge that I can never be content to be in a place where I'll have to sell my soul to make a living. I won't ever want to be exorcised off it. Particularly, one as creative as mine. I want to do the thing that I'm best at, whatever that is. And I want everything else to orbit around that. Not vice versa.

Having said that, to all the people who've been trying to get me to stop thinking, I want to say "I hear". I realise, that it does not necessarily have to be an either/or situation. And, that I don't need to be mulling over issues as vital as these at this point of time in life. But I'm glad I did.

Now, I can take a decision. Unless, I go schizo, I'm going to be taking that job. Not because I'm still harbouring hopes of getting myself a lake-view-top-floor cabin. Or because I can't get myself to say no to the money. I'm going to take it simply because I just have to see for myself, a thing, before I write it off.