Saturday, December 6

New and Improved

As most of you might already know, by any standards, I’m considered quite a catch.

I mean, what's not to like? I look like an ugly guy. I’m a terrific liar. I have the worst memory you will ever see in a non-retard. I hate making, answering or returning calls. I have an opinion on almost everything I know and an even stronger one on those which I don’t know. I can’t sing, dance or do any of the things that most females do. And, now I have yet another priceless virtue to add to my cap. I’m a certifiable schizophrenic.

There’s just no explanation for the way I’m currently acting. My ‘to-do’ list is four pages (single spaced, both sides) and counting. Yet, I won’t do anything about it. Instead, I’ve been lazing around all month long – listening to Pink Floyd, watching Sex and the City, reading Lolita and taking midnight showers. Oh and the day before last, I karaoked and danced. Willingly! I even agreed to go out for dinner and drinks with some guys from work.

See? The real me wouldn’t do any of these. Okay, I’d do Floyd but never like a crazed maniac. And I would have never have been caught dead watching Sex and the City. My god, I still don’t get why anyone would want to cast Sarah Jessica Parker as the lead in anything. (This is the former me speaking err... writing) The new me watches her anyway. Lolita – now that’s something I would have read. But my reaction to the book is again very unlike me. I found it more intriguing and yes, arousing than repulsive and repugnant which essentially means that something is very wrong. The dinner is among all these, the only thing I’m glad to be doing. But having said that, I’m gonna puke if any one as much as says “alco.”

Ironically, my mum, being cunning in a way that only mothers can be, is one of the only to immediately identify this change. She has been using it to her advantage rather unashamedly. In case I forgot to say, the new version (me 1.1) is rather meek. So, just the other day, she almost got me to sign up for the frigging Army. I know. WTF rt?!She even got the application and everything. Post the recent happenings in Mumbai, that is one very pissed off woman. I hope for my sake, that they get those b******* extradited from Pak and soon. Because, yesterday, she slyly enquired about my thoughts on the ideal age of marriage for the modern woman. I said never. She smiled. It was uncanny to another smile I got last year when she enquired about my thoughts on joining Shaw. Guess what? I said, never. And that was when she smiled that smile. That creature is seriously freaking out both versions of me. But then again, I’m not too worried. Because me (1.1) is always upbeat, so upbeat that I'm beginning to think that I could kill someone in all my excitement.

And now, at the stroke of the midnight hour, I'm going to go take a shower. And then maybe watch some quality porn. Who knows? After the last two weeks, I wouldn't be suprised if I actually did it.