Thursday, April 28

A Full Circle.

In a sense, my life has always run in circles. I went to college on the same road that I went to school ten years ago. I now live in the same house that we used to rent when I was a child.

When I finally moved out and went to live in Bangalore, I ended up living in the same lane where my mom and dad first lived together. I thought then that I had come a full circle. But no, not yet, it seems, until now.

Today, I walked in and took up my old job at The Firm, six years after I left it to go to J school. Ordinarily, I suppose it would have been okay.  By now, I have somewhat made peace with how spectacularly mundane and ordinary my life has turned out to be. But today was still a blow. 

Right now, it feels very much like the first day in a new school. A school that’s very different from the last one, where you had all your friends and a teacher you loved and where you were learning and doing very, very, well for the first time in your life. 

But all that is gone and you have to start all over again. So I shall. Because, there’s a reason I am doing this and for that I’m willing to do anything. 

Monday, April 25

The Grey Cub

I am writing this, weeping and red nosed, sitting in a cab heading to the Airport. I am leaving behind Bangalore, a city I used to detest but is now home to everything I know and love.

I am leaving behind a home, an airy little world of teal and yellow, where I was the happiest I have ever been. And I’m saying bye to Boov — Bear and H — with whom I have made a life together; who have seen me sob, laugh, and live out my grief these past few months and have come to become my people.

I know it seems like an overreaction, this terrible feeling of loss. But for me, its more than just the idea that I’ll never live with them again. And that I’ll never go out for frisbee nights.  Or have our cookouts. Or talk for hours by the peepal tree.

As I head back to Hyderabad, the pain comes from knowing that there is no more sanctuary. No more packs that will take me in, care for me, and shield me from the cruelty of what’s to come.

I’m on my own now.